My grandma passed away last June, and she was 94. I have been struggling with the grief, and I kept it in my bosom for a long time. It's been four months since she passed away, but I still cannot let her go. I could not make it to her last because I was here in the U.S. My mom asked the hospital to let my grandma call me because I'm her soul mate. Even though my grandma had an alzheimer at the end, she always recoginised me even though she forgot about my mom, her own daughter. My mom was very jealous about that, and she still complains about it.
When my grandma called me from the hospital, my grandma was very cheerful and asked me where I was and what I was doing. I told her I'm designing floor plan for my school project in Seattle. She was more excited about American food than my school project. I told her I will go back to Japan during the summer break to see her and it was only 18 days before the summer break started. She was very happy that I told her that I will go home to see her during the break, but she passed away a day after our talk on the phone. I blamed myself that I did not go back to home immediately. I did not even make it to her funeral. I did not have any close friends here that time, so I cried in my bed every nights. My roommates, Brian and Jean, are probably wondering why I go bed so early and came out with puffy eyes every morning.
I feel that my grandma is still there if I call her. It's probably denial, but who care? I just want my grandma close to me forever. I know it's not good crying every nights though. My brain starts hurting, which is not a good sign, right? My brain and mentality were/are messed up for a long time. I almost gave up what I was trying to achieve here, and I almost decided to go back to Japan. But my grandma's voice always cheered me up. I can still here in my head, "Rika, what the hell are you doing? You spent five years to save money to go back to the U.S. to finish up your degree. Don't even think about giving up. I'm not exist like before, but I'm in a very peaceful place, and I'm in your heart always. Just talk to me what you want to talk about. I can hear you and you can hear my voice and advice what you should do. You know it. I don't worry about you. You are strong."
I've been processing my feeling last four months. People told me "Sorry for your loss. Take your time," but how long time I will be like this? If my grandma was here, she would probably yell at me, "Rika, you are wasting your time," I know I know grandma. I think I found a good procedure to let you go.
In my 3D class, we have an assignment - MASS: Internal forces and external pressures. I decided to make a sculpture of my grandma. My teacher told me "Are you serious?" First, I stared at a picture of my grandma, and I asked her "Why did you leave me now! I don't think it was a good timing for me." I was crying in my class, but I really did not care because this was my secret process between my grandma and myself. My classmates probably thought that I was a psycho.
I made a shape by cray, and I will mold it by Plaster. These pictures are first steps, and I will need to make more details. I thought I needed a photo, but my grandma's face was clearly in my head. Everyone in my class started patting her head and says, "How's your grandma doing?"
First, making a overview.
Probably, my grandma is saying, "Don't make winkles so much!"
This was her favorite hair style. Whenever she took me to Tokyo to see my cousins, she spent a long time to make her hair like this.
While I've been curving, and making grandma's face, I enjoyed thinking about things what we did together. We were so close to each other that we talked about everything. My mom was jealous about that, too. My grandma was a very adventurous person, and she always wanted me to try to do new things. She was the one who told me that I should move to a big city to see the world instead of staying in that small town in the countryside. My mom hated that idea because she wanted me to stay in that small town and get married.
So... I fist moved to Tokyo when I was 18 to go to school, and I moved to London to play music when I was 22. Then, I moved to Seattle when I was 28. I went to UW and I did volunteer work for Chicken Soup Brigade. There was one HIV patient, who I was very close to. I wanted to help his last here in Seattle because his family in Japan did not want him to go back to home. But my visa was expired, and I had to leave him. That was one of my other regrets I carried all the way to here, too. But once I graduate from the school, I want to go back to Chicken Soup Brigade to help people out. Anyway, I had to go back to Tokyo for five years to save finances to come back to Seattle. My grandma always encouraged me to pursue my dreams. Now, here, I am in Seattle again. Thanks for my grandma cheerleader. You did an awesome job to cheer me and support me.
Dearest my grandma, I am so sorry for I could not make it going back to Japan to see your last. However, I knew that you came here to see me before you left here for the hereafter.
First, making her sculpture is my process to let her go, and think about her amazing fullfledged life, but I noticed that I don't have to let her go. Since I thought I had to let her go, I had a hard time, but I noticed that she is always always in my heart and with me. Whether people think I'm strange or not, my grandma is staying in my heart, and she always gives me great advice. The idea that I don't have to let her go made me feel calm and right. If my teacher did not give me A on this project, I would kick his ass.
I want to go back to Japan with my grandma's statue, and I want to visit her grave. Her bronze statue will fly with me for 11 hours, and 2 hour bus trip to my hometown. Grandma, we have a long trip waiting for us. LOVE always.
Molded by Silicon. This reminded me of an alien.
